What's Your Sign?
by JazzyCat
Summary: Roy and Ed spend some time in the office exchanging bad pick up lines. T for language and suggestiveness. ONESHOT. RoyEd


It was a cold day in the middle of a cold Amestris winter. Roy sat in his office, all his subordinates on break, vacation, or away in a room with a better heater. The Colonel himself wore his uniform coat, his overcoat, and another coat over that to conserve energy. The military was being cheap.

He wasn't allowed to leave, lest his higher-ups come in looking for him, so while his friends and comrades were off being warm and comfortable, he was forced to shiver to death in his own office.

His teeth were beginning to chatter when suddenly the door swung open and in sauntered a teenage blond. In the boy's hands were two cups of steaming hot coffee, and on his face was a huge grin. He set one cup down in front of the colonel and took a seat on the opposite side of his desk.

"So, anything fun happen so far?" Ed asked his lover, and in reply he received a shake of the head. "That's too bad."

"And you?" Roy asked the younger boy. His eyes flickered to the door, hoping no one would discover the two in such a familiar situation, acting like they were old friends, when in reality they were bitter enemies. Or so they pretended to be, while their secret love affair remained just that; a secret. Something he didn't want to be ruined.

Ed took a swig of his coffee, stalling in his answer. Roy could see by the pink color in the boy's cheeks that there was a story to tell. "On the way over, I stopped for coffee," Ed said.

"I can see that."

"Oh, ha ha, let me finish."

"Alright, alright."

"So, I stopped for coffee, and while I was waiting at the counter, someone comes up to me and...get this...they hit on me." Ed laughed wholeheartedly, thinking it was funny. Mustang's shoulders tensed. Someone was hitting on _his_ Edward?

Noticing his friend stiffen up, Ed spoke again. "Oh, relax, I turned him down, but--"

"Him?" It made Roy feel worse that it was a male.

"Yeah, him. But anyway, I turned him down, but the only reason I'm telling you is because I found it funny."

"I don't see how it's funny," Mustang scoffed. "You aren't attractive in the least."

"That's why you fell for me, huh?" Ed had him there.

"But, pray tell, why was it funny?"

"Well...it's just...what he said. He used a line."

"A pickup line?" The colonel nearly choked on his coffee, he was so surprised. "Well which one? What did he say?"

"He said 'dammit, I forgot my number, can I have yours?' It was so funny I almost laughed right then and there."

Roy threw his head back and laughed, deep and throaty. "I've heard worse," he told the younger boy, and he agreed.

"What's the worst you've ever heard?" Ed asked, leaning in. Roy tapped his chin in thought. Both men had heard many, from both brave women and other men, but there was a vast number of them, and to decide what the worst one was...impossible.

"I couldn't pick the worst one I've ever heard, but I can most definitely tell you some of the bad ones I've heard."

"Like what?"

"'I'm an astronaut and my next voyage is to Uranus.'" Ed laughed.

"That's really bad. But I've got worse. I once met a nerd--real thick rimmed glasses, suspenders and high-pants type-- and he said 'you're so hot you're turning my software into hardware'." The two shared another laugh as they drained the last of the coffee from the flimsy styrofoam cups. For the next half-hour, they threw pick-up lines back and forth, still looking for the absolute worst.

"I shit my pants, can I get in yours?"

"Do you like Italian? Want some in you?"

"If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head?"

"I'm like a rubix cube--the longer you play with me, the harder I get."

"I'll treat you like homework--slam you on my desk and do you all night long."

"Do you have a map? I'm lost in your eyes."

"Ever had an Australian kiss? It's like a French, but down under."

"I'm not Fred Flintstone, but I'll bet I can make your bed rock."

"If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

"Are those space pants? 'Cause your ass is out of this world."

"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

"Do you have a band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

"Did the sun just come out or did you smile?"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

"The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word."

"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."

"Would you tell someone if you woke up tied to a tree with vaseline smeared all over your ass? No? Wanna go camping?"

"Now that..." Roy said. "Is the worst line I've ever heard."

"Then why are you laughing?" Ed was also laughing, but their merriment was cut short as they heard footsteps frfom down the hall. Ed moved his chair back and put on an expression of unadulterated loathing. Roy rearranged his features to be more stern. The door clicked open, and in walked Hawkeye.

"It's cold in here," she said, grabbing her arms and rubbing warmth into them. "How can you stand it?"

"Simple, Hawkeye, I do it for my state."

"I see... well, sir, I just stopped by to get these files, I'll leave you to your business." Riza saluted and turned on heel, marching herself right out of the room. Once they were sure she was gone, the two men relaxed. Roy turned back to Ed.

"That was close, huh?"

"Yeah. Maybe we ought to stop fooling around." There was a pause, and just as Edward stood to leave, Roy interrupted his goodbye.

"Do you have a mirror in your pocket?"

"No, why?"

"Because I can see myself in your pants."

"No thanks, Roy," Edward joked, in no way actually rejecting him. "There's already one asshole in there."

_End_

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**A/N: I was on Gaia (yes I have a gaia account) and there was an entire thread there, so I took most of these from there, and in case any of you wanted to know my favorite pickup line is "My lips are like skittles, care to taste the rainbow?"  
**


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